the dutch gave me a tip; it's going strait into the green fund

One day

Two blow outs. Flat tires.

:(

My alignment is so fucked from my retarded accident from last week. I am so glad I didn't write about that, I was planning on and then I was just too tired. In light of recent events concerning Toby, that event was hardly worth mentioning.

I was very very lucky though, all times when my tires went flat. It happened at exactly the right times. Some tourists from Reno gave me a ride back down from work, and on the way there was a motorcycle accident and this guy had a broken clavicle. People get injured and die everyday. Every minute is a precious gift. Because I'm a young person, I think of things as being guaranteed: I will live long enough to reach old age. Nothing is guaranteed.

It is in this fashion that I understand that I need to be more patient and aware. I got so used to things being so good, that I forgot that sometimes things aren't perfect. I got comfortable around the comfort, and then when it stopped I got all bitchy. This last week has just been shit piled on top of shit, and it really sucks when good people die. Life is not worth wasting bitching about some future fulfillment that is being kept off limits. Time eventually ends up on itself, and to want it to finish faster (no matter what the circumstances) is like burning both ends of the gift.

Stress is irrelevant in this scheme.

I wrote this last night, after writing a sad letter to Clair, and being generally mopey...

Dear Friend,

I am dying to meet you again. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it. It’s more than suspense, it is Hitchcock on acid and speed.

I have no direction. I thought that when the summer came the warm weather would inspire me and I would teach myself great things, and mysticize about great visions. The nature part has been excellent, but the ego is becoming more of a problem. I thought that it was abdicated; but when exterminated, these things have a funny way of popping back into your life again louder than ever. To be at the highest heights of thought, to be circulating in the most abstract (and yet most real) of realms, that was the best. Now I find myself slipping because everything is so banal. There is no more truth, there are no more questions. Everything is a malign and petty answer. Very concise and never entertaining. The malaise has set in, and it makes me wonder what India, and majik even did.

Rock and roll idols never die. I guess in that respect you are a rock and roll star. You motivated me stronger and quicker than anyone has, and to be around you was a deep joy, a blessing. Meditative and clear I was, and when left to my own devices I came up with very strange webs of interconnected variables. Everything fit in it’s proper place, and even though it was fucked up, it made sense. There are always antecedents, “necessary and sufficient conditions”. Science + people = finally figuring out human behavior, the most twisted and darkest art of all. I think perhaps that’s why it’s most intriguing to me. To study why and how people commit acts of great evil and great good is perhaps one of the most breathtaking adventures to take. Every step of the wheel is some turn, some gripping horror, some act of great kindness, back and forth again on the pendulum. There are always questions and they never end. This last year, I was not only conscious of myself and my thoughts, but I became more conscious of the living breathing world as a whole and all of the people in it. If I was having a shitty day or something happened, I would always reflect on the scale of suffering of the entirety of human existence, which sounds really bad, but it really helps you become more mature and less self-absorbed.

People don’t really get it when I talk about you, just how cool you really are. I wish William was still around because he really dug you. But he, like everyone else left. I will leave too, and when I do there will be thousands of tears in my eyes, and I honestly don’t care - I will hug you. You mean so much to me and given me so much, I don’t know if I could ever repay you. I used to think that she was the shit and she was it....but really she was the appetizer! If anything, she sent me in the right direction. She got me thinking....but you got me REELing. I was supposed to meet her so I could meet you.

Being at home has turned me into a self-absorbed monster. When I’m at work I don’t think but when I’m at home I’m just so...wa....and I’m just calculating. I get super bitchy and critical. I need to learn how to be pleasant when things aren’t perfect. This will be the hardest challenge of all...KILL YOUR IDOLS said Dylan. I need to live in the now.

Love,
Amy